I’ve came across less excited virgins in my life.


Scientists at CERN think they may have finally found the Higgs boson. If confirmed, the so-called particle will help physicists complete their model of how the universe formed. Researchers described the result as a milestone in understanding nature. For now this is just quantum mysticism.

Like chinese whispers after a few iterations the message is that the particle was found, captured and the health signs are stable.

12:00 – Rolf is talking now. Let’s do this.
12:03 – “For a certain particle. I forgot the name.” Rolf, getting the laughs, as per usual. Awesome speaker.
12:04 – CMS progress on the Higgs search beginning.
12:05 – Okay. Here comes the science. Picture looks nice and 50 interactions is impressive…I think.
12:11 – This CMS diagram looks really good.
12:13 – The CMS detector weighs 14000t. Weighty, indeed.
12:16 – I’m looking at my computer like I understand what is happening, but I don’t.
12:18 – I might be in the minority here, but I prefer the look of Fake Tau over Real Tau. Sorry!
12:20 – He’s talking about the Higgs now!
12:21 – Blind analyses in 2012. Never looked in the band where the signal would be. Keeps people honest. It also gets “wild” when people look in the signal band.
12:22 – How wild, though, is not within the scope of this talk.
12:23 – “Well, these are technical things”
12:25 – He’s close to coming to results soon.
12:26 – Many graphs. Many, many graphs.
12:27 – “It’s quite hard to see if anything is there” yep.
12:28 – There is a little bump in the comparison between the 2011 – 2012 data. “This is very significant” dramatic pause. Next slide. What!
12:30 – Higgs to zz (as if I know what this means)
12:30 – Seriously, graphs.
12:31 – The 2011 data was reoptimized blindly.
12:33 – Anytime there is a longish gap in coverage, it means I literally understood nothing, my eyes became unfocused, and I slipped into a waking dream.
12:37 – People clapping. One person whistled.
12:44 – “Jumping to my results. Don’t want to do that” YES YOU DO
12:46 – “Do I have five minutes?”
12:48 – Rolf just coughed.
12:49 – “In conclusion” graphs pop up all over the screen. Not helping.
12:50 – Just heard him say “New boson” Woo!
12:52 – 3,300 scientists on CMS.
12:53 – ATLAS. No snack break.
12:53 – Way to go.
12:54 – The events really are beautiful.
12:55- This data is really fresh.
12:56 – ATLAS was conceived 2 decades ago, built 1 decade ago
12:58 – Pile-up was the biggest challenge for them in 2012. Too much data!
12:59 – They are working beyond design. Impressive.
01:02 – Second biggest challenge of 2012: the use of Comic-Sans on these slides.
01:04 – Seriously, though, not a nice font.
01:06 – These slides have their own, inexplicable color schemes.
01:13 – The science is impenetrable.
01:17 – “This part is perhaps a little too technical for this presentation” please, continue.
01:24 – Um.
01:27 – On to the results!
01:30 – 80% of this slide is graph.
01:35 – A lot of clapping. Big discovery.
01:38 – No idea what that discovery was.
01:40 – “Need more data” is a recurring sentiment in science, I’ve found.
01:41 – My boss just told me that everyone has been applauding because they’ve announced 5 sigma, which is like a “slam dunk” for confirmation in physics. It’s not perfect yet, but there’s no going back now. Finally, something I understood.
01:44 – “as a layman, I would now say, ‘I think we have it.’” This is why Rolf is the best.
01:44 – ROOOOOOLF.
01:45 – Rolf is getting feedback on the mic! Noooo.
01:46 – Rolf just killed it with the most succinct explanation of what was actually happening tonight. I understand the science was necessary, but still.
01:48 – Okay. It’s over now. Good night. I hope you all enjoyed my illuminating commentary.

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